Parent Partners: Making an Impact

The David Manlove Memorial Tournament at OYO

When our son died of addiction at the age of 16 the little league program where he had played asked us if they could sponsor a special tournament in his memory.  We had spent seven wonderful years at the Oaklandon Youth Organization (OYO) ball park where David learned the value of fair play and good sportsmanship while honing his considerable skills as a short stop and catcher.  Dave was a natural athlete and excelled particularly in baseball competing on championship, travel and all-star teams at OYO and going on to play on his middle and high school teams as well.  We were extremely grateful to OYO for their strong emphasis on fundamentals and team play knowing that these were important life lessons for our son.  So when they asked if they could hold an invitational memorial tournament in his name we were honored and touched by the gesture.

In the ensuing years the tournament has grown in size and scope and this past Sunday OYO held the 8^th David Manlove Memorial for little league teams from central Indiana.  Over the years, as we have become more involved in the prevention, treatment and recovery of adolescents who struggle with alcohol and drug addiction OYO has joined with us with increasing enthusiasm in carrying the message to participants and spectators alike that addiction is a powerful disease and no respecter of age race or social standing.  The folks at OYO made this year’s 8^th DJM Tournament particularly memorable for us by making the day one of voluntary service for all from the parent volunteers who prepped the fields in the early hours of the day… to those who staffed the concession stands and to the umpires who called the balls, strikes and endured the slings and arrows of outrageous parents.  

It is always been an emotional day for us filled with wonderful memories tinged with tears, but over time those tears that had once come from sadness  have been replaced by joy over how special this tournament has become.  Yes the proceeds from concessions, raffle and t-shirt sales go to support The 24 Group, a foundation that supports families whose young people struggle with addiction… but this day has never been about money.  What it is about is honoring a young man’s struggle against a dangerous and powerful disease that took him from his parents in a sudden and tragic manner.  It’s also about making parents and young people aware that early alcohol and drug use may seems like innocent experimental but can lead to addiction faster at a younger age.  And finally it is about the fact that no family is immune from the devastating effects of addiction.

There were many extraordinary moments this year but the one that will stay with us forever came at the end of the long but joy filled day.  It was the consolation game to decide third place for the 10 year olds and when it was over the coach sought us out to tell us his boys had something to say to us.  They had selected the tallest young man on the team to be their spokesperson and in a quietly eloquent manner he expressed their gratitude for the opportunity to participate and their condolences for our loss.  He then presented us with a check for $100 on behalf of the team and the coach said each boy wanted say thank you and shake our hands personally.  

And as I looked into each young man’s face I saw David smiling back.  The tears of joy return once more and flowed like a river of hope deep in my heart. 

Thank you OYO for helping Dave continue to make a difference.

Hope Academy Baccalaureate Address May 31, 2009

I was extremely honored to be invited to offer the baccalaureate address to the 2009 graduating class of Hope Academy, the only recovery high school in the State of Indiana.

 

"Thank you Rachelle so very much and thank you Class of 2009 for the honor you do our family in allowing us to play this small part in the joyous occasion of your graduation from Hope Academy.  As many of you know Hope has been near and dear to Marissa and my hearts since before its inception.  In 2001 our son David was one of the millions of adolescents across this country that left treatment centers for drug addiction only to return to the same friends, the same school and the same behaviors.  The results were tragic for his friends, his family and most of all for him.  In the years after his death we shared the dream with many others here at Fairbanksof a recovery high school that would support young adults early in their journey of sobriety.  Many who worked tirelessly to make Hope the reality that it is today are here with us tonight and deserve our gratitude. 

So whenever Marissa and I visit the school and especially tonight at this baccalaureate we see David not only in your eyes but also in the hope of your hearts for all that is to come and all that is now possible for you.  David of course is here with us today in spirit.  But I know that if he were on the stage with me tonight….he would want to lean over to the microphone and say….

“Whazzup Fools!!!!!!”

 

Again let me say that we are humbled by your kindness in asking me to speak tonight and I pledge to repay that kindness by being brief in my remarks.  The remarks will be in two parts…the first will some thoughts about our spiritual journey through 12 Step recovery and the second portion will be a bit  more traditional. 

 

To begin the evening Marissa and I would like to present each of you a token of our gratitude, a red-tailed hawk feather that exemplifies our spiritual connection to Hawks,. That connection began the day after David died when a friend who had lost a son three years before came to both console and to mentor us in the days of grieving that lay ahead.  She shared many valuable insights with us not the least of which was the suggestion that we select a symbol for our son, something that when we would encounter it would never fail to bring his spirit close to us.  Over the next two days I had close encounters with Red Tailed Hawks, the first on the way to the church to plan David’s funeral and the second as I stopped at the Fire Station to thank the ambulance crew who had come that day and worked so valiantly to save David’s life.   Hawks had always been a favorite of David’s and so the message was clear hawks should be our symbol for him.  In the ensuing years as I too embarked on my own journey of recovery from addiction we have learned much about hawks from Native Americans lore and have discovering some incredible similarities between hawks and 12 Step Recovery along the way.

 

Indians believe that Hawks are visionaries and messengers. They help to open our minds and our eyes so that we may hear and see the visions and messages that the Great Spirit (or our Higher Power) is sending our way. Native American’s believe that there is never a moment when the Great Spirit/Higher Power is not trying to get a message through to us but we are often too busy or preoccupied with temporal problems to receive them. 

 

The messages Hawks bring are about freeing ourselves of thoughts and beliefs that limit our abilities to soar above our lives and gain greater perspective on it. Indians believe that while we remain earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! But if we soar high above we catch a glimpse of the bigger picture which is why Hawks are held in such esteem.

 

In the same vein 12 Step Recovery helps us to become more like hawks by giving us the vision and clarity to see the world in a way others cannot.  With recovery we are better able to soar like hawks above anger, resentment and fear thus freeing us from our day to day problems.  And like hawks, recovery allows us to hear, see and feel the wisdom from our higher power that helps us better serve others. 

 

PRESENTATION OF HAWK FEATHERS   

 

Tonight’s Baccalaureate and your coming Commencement are truly a time of celebration.  But leaving High School behind and heading to college or moving into the workforce can also be a time of apprehension and uncertainty about what the future will bring.  As long as you are in school, grades and test results measure your accomplishments.  You had a pretty good idea of what is expected of you and where you stand.  But once you leave High School, you will have to rely more on your Higher Power, the Power that will guide you in a world undergoing ceaseless and tumultuous change.  Yes….you will have the benefit of every electronic and time saving device that mind of man or woman can conceive of, you will twitter and text to your hearts content.  But…..you will be so busy using these tools; you will hardly have a moment to think.

 

When I was your age….and how many times have you heard your parents tell you that????…we thought the world was a simpler place.  My class of 1970 had a relatively more uniform sense of identity and a more common view of what our country was about and what the forces were, that opposed us.  But for you, the Class of 2009, the world is a much more complex place.  Certainly the United States is without equal in it the power and influence that it wields through out the globe.  But the forces that oppose us today are more indistinct and unclear than ever before.  We are opposed by a faceless and fanatical world-wide terrorism, we are opposed by grinding poverty that affect over 70 percent of the world, we are opposed by centuries old religious and ethic strife in every corner of the globe, and finally, as if that wasn’t already enough, I believe we are opposed by rampant intolerance that threatens the very fabric of our civilization.

After two world wars, the Holocaust, multiple genocides and countless conflicts, we really must ask ourselves how long it will be before we are able to rise above the national, racial and gender distinctions that divide us, and in doing so ultimately embrace the common humanity that binds us together.  The answer depends not on our stars or some mysterious force of history or nature; it depends on the choices that you, The Class of 2009, will make.  And never was there a class that was more prepared and poised to meet the challenges that this world, and your future holds for you.

 

In the years to come some of you may lift the lives of others through your capacity to teach. 

Others of you may save lives through your ability to heal. 

Some of you may create opportunity through business enterprises.

Some of you may build homes, buildings, highways.

Some of you may move goods across the country.

Some of you may enrich the lives of us all through your accomplishments in science and law.

Some of you may nurture others…..

And some of you may give comfort to others.

 

But I hope that whatever you choose to do, that you will all be bound together by a common spirit of service to others, a common goal of caring for your fellow inhabitants of this world, and a common dream of reaching out to those who are less fortunate than you, and in doing so

lift them up to the light of self-respect,

lift to them to the light of freedom from want,

and most of all lift them to the light of love.

 

This evening, at this ceremony of warm memory and high expectations, I ask you to do this…..that in the coming years you will embrace the faith that

Every challenge surmounted by your energy;

Every problem solved by your wisdom;

Every soul stirred by your passion;

And every barrier to justice brought down by your determination;

Every one of these will ennoble your own life, will inspire others to do the same, and by doing so will explode the boundaries of what is achievable on this earth.

 

If you remember nothing else about what I have shared with you tonight just remember this….the real purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.

 

I close tonight with a verse that has become a kind of mantra for Marissa, Josh, Angie and me since David’s death.  Some of you already know it.  It’s a popular verse but it really sums up our family’s feelings tonight and our wish for all of you in the years to come.

It goes….

Some people come into our lives and all too quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understandings with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for a while; they leave footprints on our hearts,

And we are never, ever the same again.

 Dave left footprints on our hearts,

You, the Class of 2009, in turn have left footprints on ours and many other hearts,

But Now it is time for you to go out and leave footprints on the heart of the world.

 

God Speed Class of 2009"

Far From the Madding Crowd

I recently came across this fragment of a note that I wrote to now unknown friends in those early days after Davids death from addiction  and the ensuing funeral.  It was a time when the rest of the world returned to their daily routine while our world was still rent asunder.  As I read my words today the emotions come rushing back and yet I marvel at how prophetic they were.  The tools for our recovery were indeed within our hands but it would take many months and years before they were instilled in our hearts. 

 

June 2001 

Now that the rituals are concluded and the chorus of expressions of sorrow and comfort has quieted, the silence of our home is sometimes soothing and at other times deafening as we struggle with the conundrum of why we grieve for a soul set free. We are beginning to respond to the incredible outpouring of caring and affection and your notes to us were among the very first that helped assuage our pain. 

 

We are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  Ironically it appears that the knowledge and coping strategies we learned while working through the substance abuse program David was enrolled in, have given us the tools and a framework to come to terms with his decision and its tragic consequences.  And while it didn't seem to work for him it has worked for us.

 

As I may have indicated, once we do the things that are required either by custom or by law, we plan to go away for a while.  I had suggested to Marissa that we go to my Dad's condo in Sedona Arizona but she has indicated that she needs the ocean to heal her.  We had promised Dave a trip to the Caribbean for "Fall Break" if he kept on track with his studies and his recovery.  It is a promise we have decided to keep albeit a bit sooner and sadder than we have planned.  We will try and find a place "Far from the Madding Crowd" where we can begin our healing in anonymity.  Not the usual high profile resort.....any suggestions you might have in that regard would be most welcome.

 

We so appreciate your kinds thoughts and prayers and I also thank you for remembering Marissa's love of Hydrangeas. The plant is beautiful and will be a wonderful addition to her garden.

We love you both very much and the next time your son returns  for a visit hold him tight and hug him and tell him that you love him...do that for yourselves and for us.

 

Kim

The War On Drugs

The word came today that the War has ended.  A war that the United States has been engaged in longer than World War I or II.  Longer than the Korean or Vietnam wars and yes longer than the latest quagmire that Iraq has become.  The end of the war was greeted with scant fanfare, no ticker tape parades, no joyous throngs crowding city centers and no banner headlines trumpeting the end of a long and dark national nightmare.   

The War on Drugs was declared in 1969 by President Richard Nixon and for the past 40 years this conflict has affected millions of people across the globe and cost tens of thousands of lives.  Even though hostilities ended this past week hundreds of thousands are still prisoners of this war in jails and correctional institutions all over the world.  The financial cost of prosecuting the war to date has been in the trillions of dollars…..but of course the human toll is incalculable.

This campaign was undertaken by the Government of the United States with assistance of participating countries to reduce the illegal drug trade and curb the supply of substances that were deemed “immoral, harmful or undesirable.”  Other than the inference that those who used or abused illegal substances were they themselves immoral, harmful and undesirable little or no attempt was made to approach addiction as a disease or enhance treatment opportunities for those who suffer from it.  The philosophy that cutting off the supply would reduce the demand was hopelessly flawed from the beginning; consequently the war was doomed from the beginning.   And as we witnessed in Vietnam and Iraq flawed philosophies and policies lead to ineffectual efforts, tragic results and failure.  And the War on Drugs was indeed a colossal failure of money, and the more important, precious human capital it squandered.

So when the new White House Drug Czar announced the end of the War on Drugs this week it was noteworthy that he ushered in a new era of focusing on the treatment of addiction and the sustaining of recovery for those who suffer from the disease.  

Perhaps now we can get on the important work of treating the disease like the public health crisis it is and at the same time begin to address the depressing state of adolescent and adult treatment in America.

The Lonely Path of Loss

We first spoke out publically two and a half years after our son David's death from addiction.  Publically was an understatement.  The event was the kick off to Inhalant and Poison Awareness Week sponsored by the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition (NIPC) and held at the National Press Club in Washington DC.  We did not know it at the time but on the dais that day with us were all the major national players in the field of substance abuse prevention from the White House Drug Czar to the top researcher in the field of addiction as well as media outlets from all over the US and the world.  Harvey Weiss, the head of NIPC had recruited us two months earlier after an article appears about our story in a local news paper.   After the Press Conference was over and the reporters and correspondants had finished their interviews with us Harvey took us out to dinner that evening to thank us for our participation that day. As the evening wore down Harvey ended our time together with this prediction.  " I can't thank you enough for what you did today but I want you to know I don't expect you two will be around very long", he said " I have been doing this for a long time now and in my experience few parents who have lost a child stay involved for more than a couple of years," 

Five years later his words from that night still haunt me.  Today were are more committed to sharing David's story and carrying the message of our recovery from his loss than ever...yet I understand why he made that prediction.  Over the years we have met and have become acquainted with many who are on this same journey.  Loss of a child for any reason is tragic but when the cause is substance abuse or addiction the stigma and shame our society still directs toward parents is often too much for them to endure for long.  Divorce is more common than not, parents who become advocates are more likely to be the Mom with only the occasional Dad.  Many do become active in movements or start foundations of their own but Harvey was right...the majority eventually fall by the wayside.  For many telling their story over and over becomes too painful, other carry deep seated resentment toward people, places or things that they feel failed them and their child, some never are able to shed their guilt that hangs heavy on their hearts...and others just get tired of railing against the cunning and baffling foe that is addiction.

In our 12 step programs of recovery we learn that too much analysis leads to paralysis so I will simply close this entry with my deep feeling of gratitude for all who trudge this lonely path with us...and say that no matter how long you stay I thank you for your willingness to bare your grief and loss to the world.  For in doing so you have given strength and hope to those who unfortunately join our ranks everyday.

The Roadside Cross

The rude cross is nailed loosely to the telephone pole.  The nails that hold it are crooked and bent indicating a hammer held by hands unsteady with profound and painful grief.  There are scraps of handwritten notes, signs and diminutive statues of angels, smiling or crying cherubs and artificial flowers.  A shirt had hung on the cross for a while.  Around the foot of the pole are the remains of cigarette butts and half burned candles that once contributed meager illumination for many nocturnal vigils.

A 16 year boy died here late one night last fall when he lost control of his parents car on the dangerous curve and slid into the unforgiving telephone pole crushing the drivers side and extinguishing the life just inside.  Some said he was high on prescription drugs but it really doesn't matter now.  What does matter are the lives that have been changed forever, the dreams that are no more, the pain that will lessen over time but never goes away and the touch that will never be felt again.

We pass these roadside crosses all the time...memorials to lives and loved ones that are so nameless and faceless to us that they usually are just a blur as we hurry on with our lives.  But I know this one; know his parents and his brother.  I know where they are right now and where there will be in the months and years ahead.  I know that the numbness is replaced by pain which in turn is replaced by melancholy. And if they are lucky over time, memories that once caused heartache may become treasures of warm remembrance sometimes punctuated by a single tear.

I know that because that is how I feel about losing Dave when ever I pass by a roadside cross.

Inhaling, Dusting, Huffing.... Just Canned Air...Right???

Wrong! 

Using computer duster to get high is not just inhaling canned air, it is taking into your lungs chemical poison that immediately damage your respiratory and circulatory systems. 

Not only can inhalants kill you any time you breath them they cause significant physical harm to your body each time you use them.

REMEMBER...YOU CAN DIE EACH TIME YOU HUFF....DUSTING IS THE BREATH OF DEATH

And if you still have doubts let me break it down for you:

David 16 years old and ready for the Prom

  David 17 years old

Miss you Dave so much,

Dad

The Phoenix of Recovery

I used to think the Phoenix of ancient Greek lore was just a tale told around a roaring fire full of fantasy and whimsy.  A story of  a mythical bird with a tail of beautiful gold and red plumage and a life span of 500 to 1,000 years.  Near the end of its time it builds a nest of myrrh twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. But today I know that it is true.

Recovering addicts and alcoholics know the tale of the Phoenix by heart, because it is our story, we have lived it....some of us more times than others.  We build our lives around drugs and alcohol then destroy ourselves in a conflagration as we spiral down out of control, out of reason and out of hope. 

But if we find recovery and follow those who have been down this path of recovery before us, we can rise from the ashes and be reborn.

March is National Inhalant and Poisons Awareness Month

On a warm Saturday in June 2001, our son David Manlove of Indianapolis, 16, got up early and mowed the yard. Later, he went to a friend's house to swim, and then made the decision that cost him his life.  David and a friend went to a nearby drugstore and bought a can of computer duster. They returned to the pool and inhaled the duster to get high. David dove underwater to intensify the rush. He did it a few times before his heart stopped. David drowned.

David was a popular, athletic young man who played baseball for Lawrence Central High School.  He wanted to become an orthopedic surgeon but didn't realize that inhalants are as dangerous as illegal drugs. He didn't think they were harmful because you could be purchased at any drugstore or office supply retailer. David had hopes and dreams just as any 16 year old does, and this was not what he wanted for himself.

“Huffing” the intentional inhaling of a volatile propellant or gas to get high -- may seem unthreatening because its effects are short-lived.  Plus, the propellants and gases that produce the brief feeling of euphoria are in hundreds of common household items. So how could they be deadly or harmful?   They are harmful because the chemicals that make up propellants in aerosol cans are poisons and toxins that were never intended to be introduced into the human body. So why would anyone want to inhale toxic chemicals? It’s because breathing in chemical vapors found in products such as aerosol cans, glue, cleaning fluid, and nail polish remover-produces a quick high.  But that high has devastating effects on the body. Inhalants block oxygen from entering the brain and lungs, which can result in suffocation. Huffing can cause heart failure and death within minutes, the very first time you do it. This is known as sudden sniffing death syndrome which caused David’s death.

Despite the danger, inhalant abuse is on the rise. In an alarming recent report, one in five teens reports having abused inhalants. And 36 percent of teens don't understand that huffing can be fatal.  An even more astounding and terrifying reality is the wide gap between what parents know or think about inhalant abuse and what young people report.  A recent survey conducted by the Partnership for a Drug Free America shows that while one in five teens has abused inhalants only 5 percent of parents believe that their child has ever tried inhalants.

What can be done? Awareness is the key.  When parents are aware of a lethal risk in their home, they do everything possible to warn their children and/or eliminate that risk. But these useful household products can be lethal when abused, and unfortunately few parents and their teens are talking about the dangers of huffing or looking for signs of use. The reality is that every time teens abuse inhalants, they are playing Russian Roulette.

 

Huffing can kill the first time, the twentieth time or the hundredth time. Continued use can result in brain damage, hearing and memory loss, and/or permanent damage to the lungs, liver, kidneys and other vital organs. In a survey compiled in 2007 by the Indiana Prevention Resource Center, one in 10 Hoosier eighth-, ninth- and 10th-graders reported using inhalants at least once.  Inhalant use in sixth-, seventh- and eighth-grade students was the third most abused substance behind alcohol and cigarettes, with sixth-graders reporting almost twice the use of inhalants as marijuana.

 

This should be a wake-up call for parents, schools, our entire community -- for more conversation and education. Our children deserve to have information that could save their lives and the lives of their friends.  Information permits discussion, which can lead to prevention. We urge parents to take time this month to talk to your teens and pre-teens about huffing. Arm yourselves with information about the dangers of inhalants and how to talk to your kids about drugs through Web sites such as:

 

http://www.drugfree.org/, http://timetoact.drugfree.org/, http://www.inhalants.org/, http://www.the24group.org/ and http://www.inhalant.org .

 

Talk to your school administrators about getting information about inhalant abuse in the library, counseling office, and at PTA meetings.   We thought we would know the signs of serious drug use in our son, but we were wrong. Substance abuse cuts across all sectors of our society and touches one family in three. Our family story doesn't have a happy ending, but we can honor David's memory if we can help make others aware of the deadly perils of inhalant abuse.

 

In the end it was a decision that David made on the spur of the moment that has caused irreparable harm to his family and friends.  When you use an inhalant, it's a life-and-death decision every time you huff.

Evanescence - My Immortal - And The Loss of Child

If you are unacquainted with the alternative  band Evanesence and the haunting voice of its founder, pianist and lead vocalist Amy Lee, their musical style which at times has been charactrized as a cross between heavy and Goth metal may at first be a bit imposing.  But for those of us who have lost someone suddenly and tragically their song My Immortal holds a very special meaning.

 

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have

All of Me