Parent Partners: Making an Impact

A&E's Intervention - Follow Up Allison

I have written before of my admiration for A&E's Intervention, the only true reality show on television today.  Their courage to show the devastating effects of the disease of addiction on addicts, their friends and their family members in a frank and brutally honest manner garnered them an Emmy this year as the 2009 Outstanding Reality Program.  For me one the most important successes of this show is that it helps demystify and provide insight to the addiction continuum of use...abuse...addiction...treatment and recovery.  Intervention accomplishes this through their award winning format of not only the personal stories of family interventions on addicts and alcoholics but "Follow-Up" episodes that update their burgeoning legions of fans on what happens post intervention/treatment in recovery.

Last weeks Follow-Up segment on "Allison", who suffers from an addiction to inhaling computer duster, was a poignant example that just because an addict or alcoholic is in recovery their daily struggle has not ended.  More importantly the same is also true for their family members. Addict behaviors persist long after using stops just as enabling and denial can continue for those who care for the addict.  To be successful both addict and family members alike must use the tools they have learned to continue in their recovery.  Further the process of recovery is individual and proceeds at it's own rate and rarely, if ever, is the addict and family member at the same place at any given point in time.  It doesn't necessary mean that one is working harder than the other but rather the challenges of recovery are different for each individual.

The recent "Follow-Up Allison" episode on A&E was a good example of this dynamic where returning to her home for the first time since the Intervention caused Allison to return to the addiction behaviors of anger and resentment.  The family member, in this case Mom, effectively demonstrated her recovery tools by not taking responsibility for her daughter's anger and in doing did not enable the behavior to continue.  It left them both unsettled but Mom's action clearly established healthy boundaries for future interactions.

Recovery is discovery and the more we recovery the more we discover about ourselves.  Bravo to A&E for showing us what recovery is like in the Real world.

Hope

Hope is the vision of the heart

End of the War on Drugs; So What's Next?

Now that the War on Drugs has been officially declared at an end by the nation's Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy it is time to "open a new front" on the prevention, treatment and recovery from substance abuse addiction. 

I hope the shift in emphasis will also mean a shift in resources to programs and policies that promote prevention awareness and education, better and more treatment opportunities for adolescents and young adults and support for and recognition that recovery from addiction is an integral part of the prevention paradigm as well.

Can You Drug Test For Inhalants?

YES!

There is a common misperception that when someone is abusing Inhalants by huffing or sniffing... that drug tests are ineffective.  The reality is that there are more effective and extensive tests for inhalant abuse than any other abused substance.  While there exists only one test for substances like alcohol, cocaine, marijuana or herion NMS Labs (who do forensic drug testing) list 18 tests different tests for Inhalants depending on whether they are a solvent, areosol or gas? 

So if you suspect someone is abusing inhalants know what you are looking for so the right test can be applied by the testing facility!!!

A&E Intervention Bret Cansler

I have been a fan of A&E's Intervention show from the beginning.  To me it is the only "true" reality show on television today in which life is not artificially enhanced by a continuous flow of contrived events.  On Intervention life is allowed to unfold in all the unnatural and natural power of simply living. 

This past Monday's episode about Bret Cansler was a prime example of reality TV in it's poignant depiction to date of adult alcoholism.  A once successful businessman, loving husband and father devolves in a relatively short period of time to a "highly functioning" alcoholic. 

We often hear advocates say that Addiction is an equal opportunity disease but the denial and stigma of our society is so strong that we rarely accept the equality factor of the equation.  In this episode about Bret the raw power of his story stems from the ordinariness of his life, his family and his world.  To the world at large people like Bret present a visage of success behind which lurks the darkness of substance abuse. As the episode progresses we see the darkness emerge as Bret is forced to look at the unmanageability of his life through the eyes of his ex-wife, brother, girlfriend and finally his two children, who are by far the bravest two players in this compelling drama.

In the end the Intervention succeeds and Bret enters treatment willingly with a renewed commitment to make a new beginning with children.  His success is short lived as his life is cut short by esophageal cancer, a direct result of his alcoholism. 

Most would say a sad ending but I do not.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter entitled The Family Afterward it says that " this painful past may be of infinite values to other families still struggling with the problem."

Watch the final scene of this episode and decide for yourself.

(Bret's Episode 93) 

A Higher Power Of My Own Understanding

I stopped believing in God at an early age.  I stopped when I discovered hypocrisy in the way my parents practiced "their" religion and it was easy to extend that discovery to just about every or religion or practitioner I encountered in my adolescent and adult years.  Oh there were a couple of Gods along the way but they were God's of my first wife's understanding and the God of second wife's understand. Gods of convenience that I adopted when I wanted something or someone. 

When we sought help for our son's addiction to drugs and alcohol and was first introduced to 12 Step recovery I quickly dismissed AA, NA and CA as religious cults.  The evidence was abundantly clear to me...they had 12 commandments they called "Steps"...they had a "Big Book" which they treated like a bible....they began their meeting reading from this book like scripture and at the end of the meeting they circled up, held hand and recited The Lord's Prayer.  A revival meeting pure and simple!!!!

So when my son David died from the disease of addiction at 16 and two years later I willingly checked myself into the same treatment center; I knew I needed help but I was scared to death.  Scared because I thought if I was going to succeed where I had failed my son I would have to undergo a religious conversion...and if that were the case...then alI was lost. And so for the first three days I wandered aimlessly from meeting to meeting, therapy session to counseling session, always hearing the difference in the other patients stories instead of the similarity.

It was on the third day during an alumni panel of former patients that I first heard of the term "a higher power of your own understanding".  the fellow who used the term went on to say that "AA..NA..CA and all the A's were not religious programs but were spirituall programs."  He went on to explain further that "religion is for people who are afraid they are going to Hell and spiritual programs are for people who have already been there."  This was the first thing that I heard during my treatment  made any sort of sense and I stopped him afterward and told him a little about what had happened to me.  he listened attentively and then quietly suggested that instead of using my son's death from substance abuse as an excuse to further my own addiction I should make David part of my higher power so he would become a reason not to drink and drug.  I was incredulous..."you mean I can do that!!!" , I exclaimed.  "Of course",he said, "It's a power of YOUR understand and no one else's."

That evening I returned to my room and had the most restful night's sleep I had had since my son's death 2 1/2 years before. The next morning I awoke refreshed and began attending my daily meetings with a new out look.  His words the day before had opened the door to recovery just enough for me to slip my butt through and I became at least willing to consider that there might be a power greater than myself.  Over time I came to accept not only the existence of that power but the help and strength I now draw upon daily.

My Higher Power today is not a God in the Judeo/Christian sense but more of an amalgamation of belief systems. There is a little Buddhism in Her, a bit of the Native American Great Spirit and a lot of my son in Her.  Sometimes I call Her HP...sometimes Great Spirit and sometimes just Dave.  I have come to understand that the things I hated about religion were really all the man made trappings that surround the different sects and denominations.  I discovered that when I stripped away all the accouterments of Catholocism, Judaism and Islam what remained was my higher power...my great spirit...my Dave. 

And that She had been waiting patiently there for me all the time

Coroners and Amends

I hated coroners.

The day my son died from addiction caused by inhalant abuse I was visiting my father 2000 miles away.  It took me 10 hours to get back to Indianapolis from Phoenix Arizona . By the time I arrived the County Coroner had "processed" my son's body at the hospital and because of the "suspicious" circumstance of his death had ordered that the body be taken to the local medical center for an autopsy to be performed.

My wife and older son had been able to say their good-byes to David at the hospital.  To hold and hug his lifeless body for the last time, kiss his lips, run their fingers through his hair...and I was desperate to do the same.  The unspeakable grief I felt was magnified 10 fold by the guilt that gripped my soul for being so far away when his took his last breath.  My desperation to touch him, kiss him, hug him...turned to anger and rage when I was told I could not see him.  And by the time I was finally able to view his body 4 days later that rage had turned to hatred.

Two years after David died I sought treatment for addiction, became involved in 12-Step recovery and began attending AA meetings.  For the uninitiated AA is essentially a program of suggestions on how to live life without drugs and alcohol.  One of those suggestions was for me to get a "sponsor" and then work the "12 Steps."  A sponsor is a kind of life coach or mentor to help demystify the AA program and provide guidance in progressing through the Steps.  One of those steps is to make a list persons we had harmed or who had harmed us.  A later step is to make amends to the people, places and things on that harm list. 

Coroners were high on that first 12 Step list of mine and when it came time to make amends to them  my sponsor and I decided that since it was more the organization than any one individual ....that it was impossible to address the entire organization in any meaningful way.... that a"living" amends would be the best course of action. 

But last week...after 5 1/2 years in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous my Higher Power provided me with the opportunity to finally make a direct amends to all Coroners.  Harvey Weiss of the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition called to ask if I would be willing to help him make a presentation to the the group and as I drove to the hotel where the conference was being help I realized I had the opportunity to do something I had needed to do for a long time.  Something that would help me clean up my side of the street by admitting I was wrong and ask what I could do to make it right.

So when I finished my part of the presentation I told the 350+ coroners from around the State of Indiana I had one more thing to do.  I told them I was in recovery and of my need to make amends...how I had hated them and why...that I was wrong....that there were only fulfilling their professional responsibilites and asked what I could do to make it right. 

There was silence in the room for what to me seemed like an eternity but then before I realized it there were on their feet applauding....and I had my answer.

The David Manlove Memorial Tournament at OYO

When our son died of addiction at the age of 16 the little league program where he had played asked us if they could sponsor a special tournament in his memory.  We had spent seven wonderful years at the Oaklandon Youth Organization (OYO) ball park where David learned the value of fair play and good sportsmanship while honing his considerable skills as a short stop and catcher.  Dave was a natural athlete and excelled particularly in baseball competing on championship, travel and all-star teams at OYO and going on to play on his middle and high school teams as well.  We were extremely grateful to OYO for their strong emphasis on fundamentals and team play knowing that these were important life lessons for our son.  So when they asked if they could hold an invitational memorial tournament in his name we were honored and touched by the gesture.

In the ensuing years the tournament has grown in size and scope and this past Sunday OYO held the 8^th David Manlove Memorial for little league teams from central Indiana.  Over the years, as we have become more involved in the prevention, treatment and recovery of adolescents who struggle with alcohol and drug addiction OYO has joined with us with increasing enthusiasm in carrying the message to participants and spectators alike that addiction is a powerful disease and no respecter of age race or social standing.  The folks at OYO made this year’s 8^th DJM Tournament particularly memorable for us by making the day one of voluntary service for all from the parent volunteers who prepped the fields in the early hours of the day… to those who staffed the concession stands and to the umpires who called the balls, strikes and endured the slings and arrows of outrageous parents.  

It is always been an emotional day for us filled with wonderful memories tinged with tears, but over time those tears that had once come from sadness  have been replaced by joy over how special this tournament has become.  Yes the proceeds from concessions, raffle and t-shirt sales go to support The 24 Group, a foundation that supports families whose young people struggle with addiction… but this day has never been about money.  What it is about is honoring a young man’s struggle against a dangerous and powerful disease that took him from his parents in a sudden and tragic manner.  It’s also about making parents and young people aware that early alcohol and drug use may seems like innocent experimental but can lead to addiction faster at a younger age.  And finally it is about the fact that no family is immune from the devastating effects of addiction.

There were many extraordinary moments this year but the one that will stay with us forever came at the end of the long but joy filled day.  It was the consolation game to decide third place for the 10 year olds and when it was over the coach sought us out to tell us his boys had something to say to us.  They had selected the tallest young man on the team to be their spokesperson and in a quietly eloquent manner he expressed their gratitude for the opportunity to participate and their condolences for our loss.  He then presented us with a check for $100 on behalf of the team and the coach said each boy wanted say thank you and shake our hands personally.  

And as I looked into each young man’s face I saw David smiling back.  The tears of joy return once more and flowed like a river of hope deep in my heart. 

Thank you OYO for helping Dave continue to make a difference.

Hope Academy Baccalaureate Address May 31, 2009

I was extremely honored to be invited to offer the baccalaureate address to the 2009 graduating class of Hope Academy, the only recovery high school in the State of Indiana.

 

"Thank you Rachelle so very much and thank you Class of 2009 for the honor you do our family in allowing us to play this small part in the joyous occasion of your graduation from Hope Academy.  As many of you know Hope has been near and dear to Marissa and my hearts since before its inception.  In 2001 our son David was one of the millions of adolescents across this country that left treatment centers for drug addiction only to return to the same friends, the same school and the same behaviors.  The results were tragic for his friends, his family and most of all for him.  In the years after his death we shared the dream with many others here at Fairbanksof a recovery high school that would support young adults early in their journey of sobriety.  Many who worked tirelessly to make Hope the reality that it is today are here with us tonight and deserve our gratitude. 

So whenever Marissa and I visit the school and especially tonight at this baccalaureate we see David not only in your eyes but also in the hope of your hearts for all that is to come and all that is now possible for you.  David of course is here with us today in spirit.  But I know that if he were on the stage with me tonight….he would want to lean over to the microphone and say….

“Whazzup Fools!!!!!!”

 

Again let me say that we are humbled by your kindness in asking me to speak tonight and I pledge to repay that kindness by being brief in my remarks.  The remarks will be in two parts…the first will some thoughts about our spiritual journey through 12 Step recovery and the second portion will be a bit  more traditional. 

 

To begin the evening Marissa and I would like to present each of you a token of our gratitude, a red-tailed hawk feather that exemplifies our spiritual connection to Hawks,. That connection began the day after David died when a friend who had lost a son three years before came to both console and to mentor us in the days of grieving that lay ahead.  She shared many valuable insights with us not the least of which was the suggestion that we select a symbol for our son, something that when we would encounter it would never fail to bring his spirit close to us.  Over the next two days I had close encounters with Red Tailed Hawks, the first on the way to the church to plan David’s funeral and the second as I stopped at the Fire Station to thank the ambulance crew who had come that day and worked so valiantly to save David’s life.   Hawks had always been a favorite of David’s and so the message was clear hawks should be our symbol for him.  In the ensuing years as I too embarked on my own journey of recovery from addiction we have learned much about hawks from Native Americans lore and have discovering some incredible similarities between hawks and 12 Step Recovery along the way.

 

Indians believe that Hawks are visionaries and messengers. They help to open our minds and our eyes so that we may hear and see the visions and messages that the Great Spirit (or our Higher Power) is sending our way. Native American’s believe that there is never a moment when the Great Spirit/Higher Power is not trying to get a message through to us but we are often too busy or preoccupied with temporal problems to receive them. 

 

The messages Hawks bring are about freeing ourselves of thoughts and beliefs that limit our abilities to soar above our lives and gain greater perspective on it. Indians believe that while we remain earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! But if we soar high above we catch a glimpse of the bigger picture which is why Hawks are held in such esteem.

 

In the same vein 12 Step Recovery helps us to become more like hawks by giving us the vision and clarity to see the world in a way others cannot.  With recovery we are better able to soar like hawks above anger, resentment and fear thus freeing us from our day to day problems.  And like hawks, recovery allows us to hear, see and feel the wisdom from our higher power that helps us better serve others. 

 

PRESENTATION OF HAWK FEATHERS   

 

Tonight’s Baccalaureate and your coming Commencement are truly a time of celebration.  But leaving High School behind and heading to college or moving into the workforce can also be a time of apprehension and uncertainty about what the future will bring.  As long as you are in school, grades and test results measure your accomplishments.  You had a pretty good idea of what is expected of you and where you stand.  But once you leave High School, you will have to rely more on your Higher Power, the Power that will guide you in a world undergoing ceaseless and tumultuous change.  Yes….you will have the benefit of every electronic and time saving device that mind of man or woman can conceive of, you will twitter and text to your hearts content.  But…..you will be so busy using these tools; you will hardly have a moment to think.

 

When I was your age….and how many times have you heard your parents tell you that????…we thought the world was a simpler place.  My class of 1970 had a relatively more uniform sense of identity and a more common view of what our country was about and what the forces were, that opposed us.  But for you, the Class of 2009, the world is a much more complex place.  Certainly the United States is without equal in it the power and influence that it wields through out the globe.  But the forces that oppose us today are more indistinct and unclear than ever before.  We are opposed by a faceless and fanatical world-wide terrorism, we are opposed by grinding poverty that affect over 70 percent of the world, we are opposed by centuries old religious and ethic strife in every corner of the globe, and finally, as if that wasn’t already enough, I believe we are opposed by rampant intolerance that threatens the very fabric of our civilization.

After two world wars, the Holocaust, multiple genocides and countless conflicts, we really must ask ourselves how long it will be before we are able to rise above the national, racial and gender distinctions that divide us, and in doing so ultimately embrace the common humanity that binds us together.  The answer depends not on our stars or some mysterious force of history or nature; it depends on the choices that you, The Class of 2009, will make.  And never was there a class that was more prepared and poised to meet the challenges that this world, and your future holds for you.

 

In the years to come some of you may lift the lives of others through your capacity to teach. 

Others of you may save lives through your ability to heal. 

Some of you may create opportunity through business enterprises.

Some of you may build homes, buildings, highways.

Some of you may move goods across the country.

Some of you may enrich the lives of us all through your accomplishments in science and law.

Some of you may nurture others…..

And some of you may give comfort to others.

 

But I hope that whatever you choose to do, that you will all be bound together by a common spirit of service to others, a common goal of caring for your fellow inhabitants of this world, and a common dream of reaching out to those who are less fortunate than you, and in doing so

lift them up to the light of self-respect,

lift to them to the light of freedom from want,

and most of all lift them to the light of love.

 

This evening, at this ceremony of warm memory and high expectations, I ask you to do this…..that in the coming years you will embrace the faith that

Every challenge surmounted by your energy;

Every problem solved by your wisdom;

Every soul stirred by your passion;

And every barrier to justice brought down by your determination;

Every one of these will ennoble your own life, will inspire others to do the same, and by doing so will explode the boundaries of what is achievable on this earth.

 

If you remember nothing else about what I have shared with you tonight just remember this….the real purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.

 

I close tonight with a verse that has become a kind of mantra for Marissa, Josh, Angie and me since David’s death.  Some of you already know it.  It’s a popular verse but it really sums up our family’s feelings tonight and our wish for all of you in the years to come.

It goes….

Some people come into our lives and all too quickly go.

Some people move our souls to dance.

They awaken us to new understandings with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.

They stay in our lives for a while; they leave footprints on our hearts,

And we are never, ever the same again.

 Dave left footprints on our hearts,

You, the Class of 2009, in turn have left footprints on ours and many other hearts,

But Now it is time for you to go out and leave footprints on the heart of the world.

 

God Speed Class of 2009"

Far From the Madding Crowd

I recently came across this fragment of a note that I wrote to now unknown friends in those early days after Davids death from addiction  and the ensuing funeral.  It was a time when the rest of the world returned to their daily routine while our world was still rent asunder.  As I read my words today the emotions come rushing back and yet I marvel at how prophetic they were.  The tools for our recovery were indeed within our hands but it would take many months and years before they were instilled in our hearts. 

 

June 2001 

Now that the rituals are concluded and the chorus of expressions of sorrow and comfort has quieted, the silence of our home is sometimes soothing and at other times deafening as we struggle with the conundrum of why we grieve for a soul set free. We are beginning to respond to the incredible outpouring of caring and affection and your notes to us were among the very first that helped assuage our pain. 

 

We are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  Ironically it appears that the knowledge and coping strategies we learned while working through the substance abuse program David was enrolled in, have given us the tools and a framework to come to terms with his decision and its tragic consequences.  And while it didn't seem to work for him it has worked for us.

 

As I may have indicated, once we do the things that are required either by custom or by law, we plan to go away for a while.  I had suggested to Marissa that we go to my Dad's condo in Sedona Arizona but she has indicated that she needs the ocean to heal her.  We had promised Dave a trip to the Caribbean for "Fall Break" if he kept on track with his studies and his recovery.  It is a promise we have decided to keep albeit a bit sooner and sadder than we have planned.  We will try and find a place "Far from the Madding Crowd" where we can begin our healing in anonymity.  Not the usual high profile resort.....any suggestions you might have in that regard would be most welcome.

 

We so appreciate your kinds thoughts and prayers and I also thank you for remembering Marissa's love of Hydrangeas. The plant is beautiful and will be a wonderful addition to her garden.

We love you both very much and the next time your son returns  for a visit hold him tight and hug him and tell him that you love him...do that for yourselves and for us.

 

Kim